pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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