he wants to bone in the snuggie
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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