if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
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