if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
