When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
