pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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