break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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