im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
