my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
