i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
