just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You were trust falling into bushes
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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