Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
