Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
