We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
