Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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