In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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