woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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