i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
