just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
