guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
