my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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