So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
