I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You're like the curious george of whores
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
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