does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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