you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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