My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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