There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
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I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
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