i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
