I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
