Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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