yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
