i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
