I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
