Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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