a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
