i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
