i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
