he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
