So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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