i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my mouth tastes like poor choices
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
