My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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