Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
