i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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