My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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