Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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