So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
