My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We are two peas in an std pod
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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