Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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