my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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