Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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