The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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