haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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