we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
