my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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