im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
