I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
