Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she looked like the before picture.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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