who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
