when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well I just put wine in my tea
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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